The Philip Files

Written January 29, 2023 on the sands of Cocoa Beach, Florida.
by Philip Pfanstiel

Sitting on a lime green beach towel on the the world famous Cocoa Beach (though I had no idea or care for where it was or why it was famous).

Watching a conveyor of humanity pass in front of me in the surf.  Old, young, a spectrum in between.  Parents, children, grandparents.  Built jocks, statuesque beauties, and the rest of us … less than.  Wanting to be one and have a lover who is the other.

Decades. The numbers on my license haunt me.  Companies make billions suggesting their products can make one feel, look, act or pull younger.  Pushing off the spectre of our mortality.  Our finiteness.  Our end.

And yet, like with any problem, are we asking the wrong question? If so, what should we be asking?

Most of the answers I’ve sought prove unfulfilling.  Our lottery mentality is proven wrong not when we lose, but when we win.

The breakthroughs we wished for prove incomplete.  More money, fame, influence, adoration, health, things … leave us with the billionaires’ lament, “all I need is a little more.”

So what if God extended us all by 10, 20 … a 100 years.  Reversed aging (while keeping the wisdom, experiences, and relationships that age brings) and restoring our youth?  Would that solve it?  Would we finally be happy?  At rest? Complete?

What if God extended everyone’s life by 200 years?  Would our searching and striving find a contented peace?

And yet it was God who reduced man’s lifespan from 900 to 120 and then to 70/80.

Was there a grace in this concentration of life?  The hundreds of years it took for Adam and his descendants to transition from their prime to middle-aged years was apparently … too slow.

Now, we strive for an education, then work, family, advancement, and some even to fulfill their purpose – when we look up one day to discover our hair, face, abs, energy (you name it) have served us divorce papers.

And it’s gonna be a contentious parting.

I don’t know what the answer is.  But maybe it’s found in the surf, the seagulls, the sun, sound, and foam of the wind-tossed waves.

The young boy playing kickball with his older brother.  The friends fellowshipping, the families building sand castles, the lovers flirting awkwardly in the waves, the elderly walking the shores recounting a fond childhood spent at the beach.  The writer pecking away at his iPhone instead of body surfing (which to his credit he did before he went all melancholy).

Maybe the answer is the source and Creator of these and a million things bright and beautiful.

If the suddenness of life’s transitions has a saving grace it may be just that.  The suddenness … the inability to construct a permanent happiness in this life … the want for the next thing that is always out of reach

…  numbering out days is harsh but in this harshness just maybe we will turn to the Creator of eternity who promises that this life is just the trailer for the epic adventure that He wants to have with us.

Maybe that’s a trite conclusion, true.  While running the never satisfied wheel until our demise is an option, a better choice may be to look to the hand that put the wheel (aging in this case) in play and see if that shadow proves the sunshine of an ageless utopia that awaits all who choose a relationship with him instead of one with the mirror.

It may be foolish to give what we cannot keep … we may be waiting for the river card to justify our wager … but what if we’re right and it’s the only way to beat the house.

That’s cuckoo … er … cocoa but sounds ‘bout right.

by Philip Pfanstiel

Tomorrow my ex-wife is going to remarry.

I hadn’t really considered writing my thoughts on this until this afternoon (when I was at the park where I proposed 25 years ago). And in truth, this is the only day I could write this article. Otherwise, I would have had to change the first word. 🙂

Years ago I shared my thoughts on divorce and the little tea (drama) that I felt appropriate to share (I sent my ex a link to the article at the time to get her feedback and make sure it was as fair as possible).

Suffice it to say I won’t be sharing anything dramatic today. Aside from close friends and family (we all need a small support network – making it too large is just plain gossip) I have seen no reason to share any details of the divorce (other than what I shared previously about us going in different directions).

The question I want to explore today is more general: how can two people of God separate?

It seems to me that our modern world always wants a hero/heroine and a villain/villainess. Someone is good, the other evil. One right, the other wrong. Us vs. them. There is an interesting story hidden in the New Testament that turns this narrative upside down.

Paul and Barnabas separated, and it wasn’t pretty.

The basic story that has been pieced together by verses in Acts and Paul’s writings, as well as early church history, is this…

Paul and Barnabas were both men of God. They were called to evangelize the Gentiles and commissioned as Apostles by the church in Antioch. In fact, Barnabas is the one who sought Paul out and gave him credibility (Acts 11:25).

They went on their first journey together (Acts 11-14) but before their 2nd journey, they had a falling out (Acts 15:36-41). John Mark, a younger disciple, had started the 1st journey with them but had left somewhere in the middle.

Paul did not like this and refused to take John Mark on the next journey (understandable). Barnabas wanted to give John Mark grace and a 2nd chance (also understandable). They ended up parting ways because of this. Paul would connect with Silas, Luke, and others on his 2nd and 3rd journeys.

If this is all we knew we could say Paul was right, Barnabas was wrong, and have our narrative boxes checked. We knew who to root for, who to unfriend, and who to write out of the New Testament narrative.

But… God sees things differently because while He was with Paul, He was also with Barnabas and John Mark. In fact on the journey with Barnabas, John Mark reconnected with Peter and would eventually pen the gospel of Mark (which was written by John Mark based on Peter’s recollections). The Gospel of Mark was used by both Matthew and Luke in writing their gospels (collectively these three are called the synoptic gospels).

To review: two apostles and men of God had a falling out, but God remained with each of them, blessed their work and their division ended with a multiplication (Paul’s epistles and the synoptic gospels).

Brief tea: I didn’t want the divorce. I still don’t think it was the right move, but I’m at peace with the separation and divorce and pray for blessings over tomorrow’s marriage. I want only the best for my ex-wife and her new husband. My hope is that our division would end in multiplication.

Don’t get me wrong, I routinely encourage people NOT to divorce. And reconciliation is something that we are called to by God (II Corinthians 5:18) but when partings happen (and they happened even to the early Apostles, much less the rest of us) we don’t need to pick sides. But if we have to, let’s choose God’s side who will work all things for the good (Romans 8:28), and pray for blessings (which is a no-brainer since we reap what we sow and I no like cursings).

In reviewing Paul and Barnabas you can see how they were both right (and were BOTH proven correct) in how they viewed John Mark.

Reminds me of the time God had me give a word of correction to a whole church (BTW I did NOT want to do it, but it had to be said – Hebrews 12:6-7) and encouraged them to not give up but to stay faithful and see God move (they had decided to close the church). I used the illustration of what would have happened if the Apostles in the upper room had quit on day 9 (the 10th day is when the Holy Spirit fell – Acts 2). The person speaking after me had a word of grace and blessing.

Who was right? I believe we both were and while I had to give the word of correction (because God loved everyone there), the word of grace was also true in that God would be with each person there despite the parting.

Looking at the docks on the pond where I proposed I have no regrets for proposing. In fact, people had warned us to wait (and were proven prophetic) but we didn’t and God gave us grace and blessed our journey anyway.

I’m glad I proposed. Married. Spent 3 years dating in college, 17 years married. Had six children (4 of which are in this picture). The relationship saw many great experiences, learning opportunities (i.e. bad experiences), ideas exchanged (sometimes heatedly :), and people impacted for good. The truth is every relationship will end on this side of heaven. But that doesn’t mean it’s a failure or that God can’t or didn’t use it.

I was not at the park alone. I was there with my youngest daughter and though the path with my 1st wife (her mother) had parted I suspect that neither Paul nor Barnabas regretted the years together and the people they had touched. Neither do I.

By Philip Pfanstiel
copyright 2022
(#1 in a series of at least 13 articles exploring the enigma of the 10 Lost Tribes of Israel)

There is a fascinating, if not enigmatic story, in the 2nd Chapter of the book of Matthew.  This story, in all its misunderstood ways, has become a key element of the Christmas or Nativity story: the visit by the three wise men and their gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the baby Jesus.

   Actually, it may be more of a cypher that opens up the hundreds of unfulfilled prophecies in the Bible, highlights the faithfulness of God, and reveals the identity and location of the 10 Lost Tribes of Israel.  Biblically speaking these tribes, led by the two Birthright tribes of Joseph (Ephraim and Manasseh) were known as the House of Israel.

   The picture the pieces paint in this article is largely circumstantial.  But as we’ll see here, and in the future, the circumstantial evidence becomes overwhelming and is joined by more substantial evidence once the frame is in place. In much the same way that rebar holds and provides structure to concrete.

   To begin this unboxing the first thing to note from the passage is that it never says “three” wise men or magi.   There is reason to suspect, starting with Herod’s reaction in verse 3, that this was a much larger caravan.

   It does say that three types of gifts were brought but it never states the quantity or volume of these gifts.  If it was a larger caravan then the value of these gifts would go up accordingly.

   So where did they come from?  We are only given two hints but they work well at locating their place of origin.  “Magi from the east came to Jerusalem…”  The east gives us the general direction but the term “Magi” is “magos” in Greek and is of Persian origin.  When you get to Persia at this time in history it is ruled by a confederacy known as Parthia.

Much could be written about the “star” that they followed but it most likely was an alignment of stars (see Revelations 12:1) and yet had supernatural elements (Matthew 2:9). For now we’ll stay focused on the from where and who the Magi were.

Parthian Shot

   As you delve into Parthia and its government you find that Parthia had a triumvirate system of government.  These three branches were the king, nobles, and Magi.  These branches have an uncanny resemblance to the modern US government: king (executive), nobles (represent the people) and magi (judges or wise men).

   When there was a vacancy in Parthia the next king was chosen from a pool of candidates by the nobles and magi.  Kings of Parthia would take on the title of Arsaces after the first ruler, Arsaces I.  This is similar to Caesars in Rome who all took their title from Julius Caesar.

   As to the number in the caravan, there are accounts by the Chinese, Josephus and others that made mention of Parthian caravan numbering between 10 to 20 thousand horsemen and dromedaries (camels). There is reason to believe this caravan would have been of similar numbers.

   So a group of judges (magi) exit Parthia and travel into the Roman Empire for reasons we’ll explore shortly.  The conflicts between Parthia and Rome are complicated but suffice to say they fought a lot and were well-matched.  When Rome would invade Parthia (Rome being Rome), Parthia would retreat, draw up soldiers (since it was a confederacy it didn’t have a large standing army), and defeat Rome (Parthia being Parthia) or push them back to the Euphrates (which acted for much of their shared history as the border between these behemoths).

   The most recent conflict lasted 15 years and ended when Herod was put into power of Judea.  So now Rome’s enemy (they were currently in a state of anxious peace) shows up with treasures, thousands of armed guards all escorting a contingent of magi or Parthian judges and asks about a newborn king of the Jews (the people Herod was put in charge of).

   There was a reason that Herod and Jerusalem were in an uproar (verse 3).  Herod’s job was to keep the peace in Judea and keep the peace with Parthia.  Now he was in a situation where both of these were in serious danger of being upset.

   Speaking of the previous conflict if you ever watched Spartacus with Kirk Douglas and were left simmering by the villain’s apparent triumph at the end I now give you resolution.

   Crassus, the Roman leader and “richest man in Rome,” put down the Spartacus revolt and crucified 6,000 slaves who were captured.

   Before I give you absolution, just recall how much of a bad guy (this being a religious article I’ll refrain from profanities) Crassus was.

   Well in 53 BC, less than 20 years after the revolt was suppressed in 71 BC, Crassus led an army of 40,000 into Parthia to gather more fame.  Instead his army was surrounded by 10,000 Parthia cavalry (mostly horse archers), hounded, and eventually slaughtered (20,000 dead, 10,000 captured) becoming one of the worse and most lopsided Roman military defeats in history.

   And did this get Crassus ahead in life?  No, but the Parthian’s got both his head and that of his son.

   Absolution granted.

   Another aside that I find fascinating, the 10,000 men that Parthia captured … while Rome would have killed, crucified or enslaved them, Parthia moved them to an eastern region, gave them wives and had them become loyal subjects.

   There is a different spirit in this Parthian empire and for good reason.

Why did the Parthian Magi come to look for the newborn Jewish king?

   In a future article, I’ll follow the exile of the House of Israel (the 10 tribes led by the Birthright tribes of Ephraim and Manasseh) both east and north and their journey from 720 BC onward. The eastern refugees regrouped around one of their tribes, the Parni, in the same region where Ephraim had been exiled by Assyria.   For now suffice it to say that there is considerable evidence that Parthia was founded by elements from Ephraim with help from Manasseh (who were known as Saka or Scythians at this point in history).

   Another strand I’ll develop is that not only were these tribes exerting power, and staying allies (for the most part) but they heeded the prophets.

   Especially Jeremiah who wrote to them around 640 BC with a message in Jeremiah 3:11-12

   The odd thing about this prophecy written during the reign of Josiah is that it was written 80 AFTER the fall of Samaria in 720 BC, and YET it says “proclaim this message to toward the North.”  God wasn’t speaking to the wind.  He was speaking to remnants of the House of Israel who resided at this time to the north of Judah (but not in the Promised Land).  Many researchers believe that Manasseh and other tribes had escaped through the Caucus mountains and lived north of the Black Sea and became the Saka or Scythians.

   The inhabitants of Samaria, mainly Ephraimites, were exiled east where they joined other tribes that had been removed by the Assyrians 20 years earlier.

   So the tribes, now out of the land, were still listening to the prophets (“still” in that while many in the House of Israel were faithless, there had always been a remnant that had listened – i.e. 7,000 that had not bowed to Baal in the days of Elijah).

Son of David Rule Over House of Israel

   Then Jeremiah gives another prophecy that these tribes heard in their exile in Jeremiah 33:17

“For thus says the LORD: David shall never lack a man to sit on the throne of the house of Israel,”

   Two curious things about this prophecy.  1st the House of Israel was in exile at the time of this writing.  2nd David’s dynasty ruled over the House of Judah (which included Benjamin and most Levites) not the House of Israel.   I’ll explore this in another article but it is pertinent now as it may explain the motivation of the Magi.

   It has been suggested by Steven M. Collins and other researchers that these exiled tribes heard this and other prophecies and even in their exile some tried to follow the ways of Yahweh.

   Then when the tribes were released from Assyrian captivity by Persia, and carved out their own empire from the faltering Seleucids, they couldn’t decide on who would lead them (since there were a number of powerful noble clans in the Parthian and Saka confederacy).  It is at this point Collins and others suggest that they turned to the Exilarch.

An Aside – Judah Avenger: The Seleucid king, Antiochus Epiphanes IV who instigated the Maccabean Revolt (from where we get Hanukah or the Feast of Dedication) in 167 BC, died while on campaign against the rebels to the east – The Parthians.  This is another article in the series that will highlight the many times in history that the Birthright Tribes (House of Israel) act as the Avengers of Judah.

   The Dynasty of David (yes, you guessed it – another article) is the most biblically and historically documented dynasty in history and for good reason (Jeremiah 33:17) as its survival and reign is proof of God’s covenant with His servant David (2 Samuel 7).

   Were there any documented descendants in the east (Babylon or Persia) for the Parthians to choose from?

   Short answer: yes.  King Jeconiah was taken into captivity by Babylon but released 37 years later, given his freedom and had many children (II Kings 25:27-30, 2 Chronicles 3:17).  These children were in the east, well known, and would have provided a documented pool of David’s descendants from which Parthian kings were drawn.

   Interestingly this family reappeared after the Parthian Empire fell and is known as the Exilarch in the Jewish community that remained in Sassanid and Arab ruled Persia up until the 12th century AD.

Power in the Names

   “… through Isaac shall your offspring be named.”

   All this is great but one of the most intriguing threads through history has been language and names.

   God prophecies to Abraham that through Isaac should the children of promise be named (Genesis 21:12, Hebrews 11:18).  Later Jacob / Israel is also added (Genesis 48).

   The Parthian dynasty was called the Arsacid and as mentioned their kingly title was Arsaces.

   In Hebrew the vowels are dropped when the language is written and added back in when read.  So Isaac would be written as SC in English.  We’d add the “I” and “aa” back in when reading.

   Over time this convention would lead to such words as Yitzak (Hebrew for Isaac) changing but what would remain the same is the SC, SK, ZK or SX combo.

   And arSaCid contains SC and in order.  Circumstantial but you’ll see this pattern show up a lot throughout history including with their allies the SaKa or Scythians (a Roman word – they called themselves the Saka).  We’ll see this convention in future articles as well when we explore the migrations of the House of Israel.

   Back to Parthia another interesting connection is that a popular king name was Pharaates.  This very well could connect back to the clan of Judah that David was from – Pherez.

Davidic Curse

   Sadly another way we can trace the Davidic Dynasty is through the curse David brought on his family by committing adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband Uriah to cover it up.

   Nathan, who had just five chapters earlier proclaimed the eternal Davidic dynasty, now pronounces a curse that will plague David’s descendants; “the sword would not depart from his house.” (2 Samuel 12:10). 

   A look at the Parthian dynasty reveals constant fratricide, civil conflicts and palace intrigue and betrayal.  In fact this happened in 38 BC when the new king slaughtered any blood rival he could get his hands on. 

   To ensure the continuation of the dynastic line the Magi and Nobles (collectively known as the Megisthanes) would send potential kings to safety in Rome or Armenia – outside of their own borders for their protection.

   They also kept track of any descendant of David that would have proper claim to the throne of Parthia.

Enter the baby born King of the Jews

   It was not happenstance that the Magi saw the star in the east.  This very well could have been some lost teachings that Daniel (who wrote many messianic prophecies including the triumphal entry that Jesus fulfilled when he road into Jerusalem on a colt on Palm Sunday) passed down to the Magi during Persian rule that made its way to the Parthian Magi.

   So they were keeping track of David’s descendants and watching the stars per Daniel’s instructions.

Jesus called to the House of Israel

He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” – Matthew 15:25

   Judah at the time of Jesus remembered Parthia’s brief rule in 40-37 BC and heard about the greener grass on the other side of the Euphrates.  Combine this with the fact that the Jews knew Parthia was the home of the House of Israel.  Josephus confirms this when he wrote in Antiquities 11:133.  “There are but two tribes in Asia and Europe subject to the Romans, while the ten tribes are beyond Euphrates till now, and are an immense multitude, and not to be estimated by numbers.”

   This was written around 94 AD and states that at that time (“now”) the 10 tribes were an immense multitude and on the other side (Parthia) of the Euphrates.

Jesus, from the house of Judah, frequently spoke of Israel and the house of Israel. He also lived before Josephus so Parthia’s connection to Israel was well known.

   Which made the Magi visit at his birth not something only Jesus would know, but something many others remembered and discussed as well.

   So as he grew in wisdom, stature, and popularity the Jewish desire to make him king … of Parthia was very realistic.  Not only was Parthia RIGHT there, but them being separated Israelite brethren that had David’s descendants as their king, combined with their recent rule (though brief) and a military on par with Rome made the desire to unite with them against Rome a no-brainer.

   So when Jesus, a descendant of David and righteous rabbi, came on the scene it puts Judas and others’ attempts to have Jesus made king of Parthia (the house of Israel) into a more realistic and plausible context.

Summary

   If all these pieces are accurate the following narrative could explain the visit of the Magi.

   The House of Israel had relocated and established the Parthia Empire.  Heeding the prophet Jeremiah they established a kingship built on the Davidic Dynasty.  To ensure a smooth continuation they kept track of David’s descendants both inside and outside of Parthia.

   They were Magi after all (the word from where we get magician) and considered the stars and signs in the heavens quite possibly due to Daniel’s teachings.

   The gifts they brought provided for Jesus at birth, his sojourn in Egypt and quite possibly throughout his life (from 12 to 30) and journeys to Parthia, Wales, Ireland and beyond.  And yes, that is another article.  Until then … Shalom.

Begun Sept 2, 2022
by Philip Pfanstiel

Today is the anniversary (Sept 2nd) of the hardest day of my life (ominous music plays) … so far. It was on this day, years ago, that I briefly considered what my body would look like as a pancake. Fortunately, I’m more of a waffle man and I had family and friends who encouraged me NOT to fly … so the sidewalk was saved.

A year after this event I had my first (resolute music) … and only kidney stone.

When the 2nd anniversary came around I hid in a bunker … and that’s where I’ve gone each Sept 2nd.

Until the bunker was repossessed with me in it which was not something I was prepared for.

IRL it was my car that was repossessed in what I’ve come to call a testimony upgrade. BTW God provided the resources at the time and even prompted me to make a payment on my car but I paid a different, very important, bill instead. So while my car was being jacked from my driveway I could at least watch some games on my DVR. I quickly got my trustee steed Shadowki-a back and now she’s paid off and all mine, but the experience was surreal.

I told a friend about my car being repossessed and he advised me never to talk about these low points as they made me look bad.

I have a few strengths but the one I’m most proud of is that I don’t mind looking bad. Being honest. Vulnerable. Embracing the awkward suck. And then crack jokes about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like it, but once I’m through it I find joy in it as AJR sings “a hundred bad days make a hundred good stories…”.

Disclaimer: I’ve always written from my own life experiences. This has become more complicated as I’ve had more experiences and relationships that end for different reasons. So nothing I write is meant to attack, offend or be passive-aggressive toward tow truck drivers and others who have blessed me with these good stories.

In fact, the person that has blessed me the most with good stories is the ghost that hangs out in my mirror. “Darn, you pilihP!!!” But whenever I say that he takes it as a compliment. Odd.

Anyway, so I’m single. With my errant sense of humor, you’d think … well, you’re right.

Anyway squared. So I wrote a blog shortly after my divorce (hum… can I divorce “my divorce” and just say “the” divorce since I have no intention of having multiples?) This blog was called Nigerian Princess something.

I forget exactly what I wrote or what I called it. I did find a backup file (I accidentally deleted my website – yeah! another upgrade!) and after rereading realized it was pretty bad and better off staying a backup.

But I am going to talk about what I remember and what God and my mental process (I’m trying to get them to play nice – but they’re both incredibly stubborn) have come up with.

Be myself. Embrace who I am while also focusing on becoming the best version of myself. Self-improvement is a worthy goal, if done for the right reasons and if the end result is still me. If I become someone I’m not, the amount of work needed to stay that person is inconceivable and unsustainable.

I’d like to find someone where there is a mutual attraction, interest, calling, personality mesh, heart, crazy side, etc… who accepts and loves me for who I am and vice versa. Then I look in the mirror and remember all my bad days and feel damaged. Not worthy. The truly sad thing about someone being damaged (divorced, single parent, trauma survivor, financially tight, physically ill, socially awkward, poor choices, addictions, etc. …) is that if we choose to see ourselves as damaged then that’s how we’ll present ourselves. And it becomes a self-fulfilling and self-perpetuating cycle.

The youngins nowadays call it “pulling.” As in “what kind of person can you pull?” If you are a six can you pull an eight? Admittedly this tends to be on the looks metric, but can also be applied to financial, social, spiritual, etc… This is why some people that society might say are 7-9s hook up with people in the negative range – because that’s how they see themselves.

The beauty of the classic Nigerian Prince Scam is that only the most gullible will respond. They opt-in and are rewarded with a cleaned-out bank account. The scammer doesn’t waste a lot of time sorting through all those with an ounce of skepticism. The most gullible present themselves for their fleecing.

The metaphor breaks down (though I do clean, bake and wash windows) but it seems so many single people are putting on a facade and trying to get everyone to like them. Trying to pull someone “better” than them. Then from this pool of potentially millions, they have to sort through and hopefully find their soul mate. I know the whole soul mate thing is a medieval literary invention but the idea of living life with someone that gets you and you get them and you both feel you got the better deal – this is what I want. I suspect this is what most people want. If I am ever asked to give marriage advice (which oddly, I am not), I’d say the best marriage is where both people think they are getting the better deal.

What if you, me, we … What if we leaned into being who we truly, authentically are? Warts, repossessed cars, unique laughs, odious oddities, damaged goods, quarks, and quandaries? Sure, this will limit the number of people that pretend to like us. But would that be a bad thing? I feel sorry (not super sorry TBH) for attractive people. So many people are attracted to them based solely on looks that finding that soul mate that gets them for who they really are is next to impossible.

I shall count my blessings instead of sheep I suppose – because I at least have a chance. People don’t tend to be drawn to me for the wrong reasons.

I remember when Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts back in the early 90s. A classic 3 pulling a 9 (BTW there are no 10s, the people that think they are, are demoted below fives in my book). Trying to live up to the social expectations of others seems to be a guaranteed way to live a miserable life.

The romantic in me wants to believe that they might have had a chance at being happy and living a fulfilling life together … if they could have ignored everyone else and been themselves.

I don’t know what ended their relationship but I’m hard pressed to think of any 8 or 9s that have found a true, lasting, and deep relationship with other 8s and 9s.

What if we (me) could find a way to embrace and be comfortable in our own skin and with our own idiosyncrasies? Maybe we’ll find that the people who opt-in to our lives are the opposite of scammers – they are royalty in disguise.

And the resulting genuine, vulnerable, and honest relationship brings out the prince & princess in both of them.

Good stories can come from good days too I’m told.

by Philip Pfanstiel

I saw a post yesterday on the official Keith Green FB page commemorating the 37^th anniversary of Keith Green’s death.

Thoughts about Keith, his music and his family have been rumbling around in my head ever since.  Then tonight doing some intensive research (I googled) I came across that Melody Green went through a divorce in her second marriage over 15 years ago (2003).

This coupled with today’s news that the author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” had disavowed his own book and had left Christianity got my mind twirling even more.

This post is more a reflection and not meant as a judgment on anyone.  The opposite really.  For starters the fact that I’m just now hearing of Melody’s divorce makes me respect her that much more.  Seems we’ve become a nation obsessed with the tragedies of others and when we go through a tragedy our first reaction is to make sure we cast ourselves in the best light.

I’ve found myself doing that with my divorce.  For the longest time, I’d follow the fact of my divorce with “I didn’t want it, didn’t deserve it (in the big sin category at least) and I didn’t abandon my kids.”  For someone like Melody Green to go through a divorce and yet so few (if any) of these self-defense justifications exist online is a testimony to her character.  I intend to follow her example and just not say anything to justify myself or condemn another (though notice how I subtly stated my defense earlier in this paragraph – hypocrite much?)

I’m also VERY thankful for being so mundane [not famous] that this valley of the shadow of death I went through was of interest to very few people … I can’t fathom the anguish ministers or famous people go through when their life is hell and the peanut gallery is picking sides.

Divorce sucks and should be avoided … but WHEN (not if) it happens how should we Christians then live?

I heard a sermon once (or it may have been a graduation speech TBH) about life is in the dash.  The dash between born on this date – died on this date.  This dash is where life is lived.

Maybe when it comes to the tragic end of marriages, ministries or even someone walking away from following Christ we could give some credit to the journey and what was accomplished therein.

I don’t see my 1^st marriage as a failure.  In the classical sense it was (in the game of Christian chicken we didn’t stay in what was becoming a conflict-ridden marriage until one of us chickened out and died).  But to be fair do we use this same logic on athletes, businesses, and jobs?  If we did every athlete ever is (or will be) a failure when they leave the sport.  Or every worker can’t take the heat and gets a different job or retires (“you vill vork until you die” is our German family’s mantra).  Every business will eventually get bought out or go bankrupt.  Every bag of chips or bottle of Pepsi will eventually run out.  Life is hard.

One of the songs at our wedding in 1998 was from Michael Card’s album “Joy in the Journey.”  Maybe that is a healthier and more compassionate grace-filled way of looking at life.  Take joy and be grateful for the journey.

I honestly am coming to see my 1^st marriage as a success with a sad ending (but the epilogue is not written yet).  We had 17 mostly good years, gave life to and are raising six wonderful children, were involved in church as Sunday school teachers, mission & prayer leaders and superactive members.  Tamara worked so I could go to grad school after I helped her finish college.  We both worked to provide diapers, onesies, insurance and toys for our growing brood.  We challenged each other, helped the other mature and encouraged each other in developing our gifts (many of my published articles and unpublished books were greatly influenced by Tamara).  She did most (ALL) of the work when it came to giving birth, though I gladly changed my share of diapers and did middle of the night feedings.  We both have poured ourselves into our children and have been blessed many times over (our oldest Nate, who is in Army bootcamp, turned 19 today – the 29th).

I doubt this little diddy will change our culture’s fascination with the endpoints (how did they die? divorce? become discombobulated?).  But I can say I want to be more aware of what happens in the dash.  How did that ministry help people while it was active?   How did that marriage advance God’s kingdom while they were together?  How did that life help share the love of Jesus while he/she was walking out the faith?

Part of me wants to say the cliché “we could’ve worked it out.”  But what if that isn’t true?  What if the marriage was to become an albatross that would’ve sunk both of us and shipwrecked our kids?  The image of two old people bickering and belittling each other is repugnant to me.  What if that is where we were headed? Sometimes, as Kenny Rogers sings “you’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em …”  Maybe her ending the marriage is exactly what needed to happen for both of us to be fulfilled and our children to mature properly?  I honestly don’t know the answer but I know God is and will Romans 8:28 it.

I’m not trying to justify divorce, nor am I just trying to see the silver lining in a monsoon but why must we lament the end of every chapter or book?  The parting of Paul and Barnabas (i.e. two of the early church fathers parted company over a disagreement) happens even to the best Christians.  Instead of conducting some morbid after-action report ascribing blame … what if we gave God some credit for making something great out of our brokenness? (i.e. that is what the gospel “Good News” is all about)  There is none righteous.  Having gone through my own dark night of the soul I, unironically, have a lot more grace and am much SLOOOWEERR to judge others.

Finally the rebuilding.  I saw recently the argument that divorce isn’t adultery.  It’s the person that remarries first – they are the adulterer.  The thought I had was simple: “I refuse to play that game of Christian chicken.”  Paul went on with his ministry as did Barnabas.  Neither was disqualified or kicked to the curb by Jesus.  If it helps I’ll be glad to remarry first (just have to find someone crazy enough AND that wants to walk life with me – but with God nothing is impossible, so there is a chance!).  Aside: the best dating advice I’ve been given is be yourself (everyone else is taken).  That being said be yourself, but be the best version of yourself – there are plenty of fish in the sea but good luck being bitter, out of shape and without prospects bait.

Again the need to be “not as bad as the other person” creeps its hideous head.  Sadly our need to judge others and why they failed is a nasty boomerang to throw.  I won’t tell you how I know … we never discussed other people’s marriages and who would divorce first. 🙂  Okay … yeh, nasty boomerang.

I had no intention of writing such a missive.  I thought this would be a brief FB post.  I do wonder how much more like Christ we could be if we could focus more on the good that came out of ministries, marriages and people before entropy kicked in.  The law focuses on catastrophe, grace focuses on eucatastrophe (God at work through the catastrophe). 

I am thankful for my ex-wife Tamara.  She is an awesome mother, friend, nurse, and was a great wife.   While the first three are still in play, I’m praying God brings a wonderful man along and that they can be a blessing to each other, all the kids involved and the world.

As for me I intend to be one of those old people so much in love that it makes all the young whimper snappers (grandkids, great-grandkids) uncomfortable.

“God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8.   I’m so glad God didn’t wait until we were perfect before He loved us but accepts us as we are. Seems like a good example to follow.