Begun Sept 2, 2022
by Philip Pfanstiel
Today is the anniversary (Sept 2nd) of the hardest day of my life (ominous music plays) … so far. It was on this day, years ago, that I briefly considered what my body would look like as a pancake. Fortunately, I’m more of a waffle man and I had family and friends who encouraged me NOT to fly … so the sidewalk was saved.
A year after this event I had my first (resolute music) … and only kidney stone.
When the 2nd anniversary came around I hid in a bunker … and that’s where I’ve gone each Sept 2nd.
Until the bunker was repossessed with me in it which was not something I was prepared for.
IRL it was my car that was repossessed in what I’ve come to call a testimony upgrade. BTW God provided the resources at the time and even prompted me to make a payment on my car but I paid a different, very important, bill instead. So while my car was being jacked from my driveway I could at least watch some games on my DVR. I quickly got my trustee steed Shadowki-a back and now she’s paid off and all mine, but the experience was surreal.
I told a friend about my car being repossessed and he advised me never to talk about these low points as they made me look bad.
I have a few strengths but the one I’m most proud of is that I don’t mind looking bad. Being honest. Vulnerable. Embracing the awkward suck. And then crack jokes about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like it, but once I’m through it I find joy in it as AJR sings “a hundred bad days make a hundred good stories…”.
Disclaimer: I’ve always written from my own life experiences. This has become more complicated as I’ve had more experiences and relationships that end for different reasons. So nothing I write is meant to attack, offend or be passive-aggressive toward tow truck drivers and others who have blessed me with these good stories.
In fact, the person that has blessed me the most with good stories is the ghost that hangs out in my mirror. “Darn, you pilihP!!!” But whenever I say that he takes it as a compliment. Odd.
Anyway, so I’m single. With my errant sense of humor, you’d think … well, you’re right.
Anyway squared. So I wrote a blog shortly after my divorce (hum… can I divorce “my divorce” and just say “the” divorce since I have no intention of having multiples?) This blog was called Nigerian Princess something.
I forget exactly what I wrote or what I called it. I did find a backup file (I accidentally deleted my website – yeah! another upgrade!) and after rereading realized it was pretty bad and better off staying a backup.
But I am going to talk about what I remember and what God and my mental process (I’m trying to get them to play nice – but they’re both incredibly stubborn) have come up with.
Be myself. Embrace who I am while also focusing on becoming the best version of myself. Self-improvement is a worthy goal, if done for the right reasons and if the end result is still me. If I become someone I’m not, the amount of work needed to stay that person is inconceivable and unsustainable.
I’d like to find someone where there is a mutual attraction, interest, calling, personality mesh, heart, crazy side, etc… who accepts and loves me for who I am and vice versa. Then I look in the mirror and remember all my bad days and feel damaged. Not worthy. The truly sad thing about someone being damaged (divorced, single parent, trauma survivor, financially tight, physically ill, socially awkward, poor choices, addictions, etc. …) is that if we choose to see ourselves as damaged then that’s how we’ll present ourselves. And it becomes a self-fulfilling and self-perpetuating cycle.
The youngins nowadays call it “pulling.” As in “what kind of person can you pull?” If you are a six can you pull an eight? Admittedly this tends to be on the looks metric, but can also be applied to financial, social, spiritual, etc… This is why some people that society might say are 7-9s hook up with people in the negative range – because that’s how they see themselves.
The beauty of the classic Nigerian Prince Scam is that only the most gullible will respond. They opt-in and are rewarded with a cleaned-out bank account. The scammer doesn’t waste a lot of time sorting through all those with an ounce of skepticism. The most gullible present themselves for their fleecing.
The metaphor breaks down (though I do clean, bake and wash windows) but it seems so many single people are putting on a facade and trying to get everyone to like them. Trying to pull someone “better” than them. Then from this pool of potentially millions, they have to sort through and hopefully find their soul mate. I know the whole soul mate thing is a medieval literary invention but the idea of living life with someone that gets you and you get them and you both feel you got the better deal – this is what I want. I suspect this is what most people want. If I am ever asked to give marriage advice (which oddly, I am not), I’d say the best marriage is where both people think they are getting the better deal.
What if you, me, we … What if we leaned into being who we truly, authentically are? Warts, repossessed cars, unique laughs, odious oddities, damaged goods, quarks, and quandaries? Sure, this will limit the number of people that pretend to like us. But would that be a bad thing? I feel sorry (not super sorry TBH) for attractive people. So many people are attracted to them based solely on looks that finding that soul mate that gets them for who they really are is next to impossible.
I shall count my blessings instead of sheep I suppose – because I at least have a chance. People don’t tend to be drawn to me for the wrong reasons.
I remember when Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts back in the early 90s. A classic 3 pulling a 9 (BTW there are no 10s, the people that think they are, are demoted below fives in my book). Trying to live up to the social expectations of others seems to be a guaranteed way to live a miserable life.
The romantic in me wants to believe that they might have had a chance at being happy and living a fulfilling life together … if they could have ignored everyone else and been themselves.
I don’t know what ended their relationship but I’m hard pressed to think of any 8 or 9s that have found a true, lasting, and deep relationship with other 8s and 9s.
What if we (me) could find a way to embrace and be comfortable in our own skin and with our own idiosyncrasies? Maybe we’ll find that the people who opt-in to our lives are the opposite of scammers – they are royalty in disguise.
And the resulting genuine, vulnerable, and honest relationship brings out the prince & princess in both of them.
Good stories can come from good days too I’m told.