by Philip Pfanstiel
I saw a post yesterday on the official Keith Green FB page commemorating the 37th anniversary of Keith Green’s death.
Thoughts about Keith, his music and his family have been rumbling around in my head ever since. Then tonight doing some intensive research (I googled) I came across that Melody Green went through a divorce in her second marriage over 15 years ago (2003).
This coupled with today’s news that the author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” had disavowed his own book and had left Christianity got my mind twirling even more.
This post is more a reflection and not meant as a judgment on anyone. The opposite really. For starters the fact that I’m just now hearing of Melody’s divorce makes me respect her that much more. Seems we’ve become a nation obsessed with the tragedies of others and when we go through a tragedy our first reaction is to make sure we cast ourselves in the best light.
I’ve found myself doing that with my divorce. For the longest time, I’d follow the fact of my divorce with “I didn’t want it, didn’t deserve it (in the big sin category at least) and I didn’t abandon my kids.” For someone like Melody Green to go through a divorce and yet so few (if any) of these self-defense justifications exist online is a testimony to her character. I intend to follow her example and just not say anything to justify myself or condemn another (though notice how I subtly stated my defense earlier in this paragraph – hypocrite much?)
I’m also VERY thankful for being so mundane [not famous] that this valley of the shadow of death I went through was of interest to very few people … I can’t fathom the anguish ministers or famous people go through when their life is hell and the peanut gallery is picking sides.
Divorce sucks and should be avoided … but WHEN (not if) it happens how should we Christians then live?
I heard a sermon once (or it may have been a graduation speech TBH) about life is in the dash. The dash between born on this date – died on this date. This dash is where life is lived.
Maybe when it comes to the tragic end of marriages, ministries or even someone walking away from following Christ we could give some credit to the journey and what was accomplished therein.
I don’t see my 1st marriage as a failure. In the classical sense it was (in the game of Christian chicken we didn’t stay in what was becoming a conflict-ridden marriage until one of us chickened out and died). But to be fair do we use this same logic on athletes, businesses, and jobs? If we did every athlete ever is (or will be) a failure when they leave the sport. Or every worker can’t take the heat and gets a different job or retires (“you vill vork until you die” is our German family’s mantra). Every business will eventually get bought out or go bankrupt. Every bag of chips or bottle of Pepsi will eventually run out. Life is hard.
One of the songs at our wedding in 1998 was from Michael Card’s album “Joy in the Journey.” Maybe that is a healthier and more compassionate grace-filled way of looking at life. Take joy and be grateful for the journey.
I honestly am coming to see my 1st marriage as a success with a sad ending (but the epilogue is not written yet). We had 17 mostly good years, gave life to and are raising six wonderful children, were involved in church as Sunday school teachers, mission & prayer leaders and superactive members. Tamara worked so I could go to grad school after I helped her finish college. We both worked to provide diapers, onesies, insurance and toys for our growing brood. We challenged each other, helped the other mature and encouraged each other in developing our gifts (many of my published articles and unpublished books were greatly influenced by Tamara). She did most (ALL) of the work when it came to giving birth, though I gladly changed my share of diapers and did middle of the night feedings. We both have poured ourselves into our children and have been blessed many times over (our oldest Nate, who is in Army bootcamp, turned 19 today – the 29th).
I doubt this little diddy will change our culture’s fascination with the endpoints (how did they die? divorce? become discombobulated?). But I can say I want to be more aware of what happens in the dash. How did that ministry help people while it was active? How did that marriage advance God’s kingdom while they were together? How did that life help share the love of Jesus while he/she was walking out the faith?
Part of me wants to say the cliché “we could’ve worked it out.” But what if that isn’t true? What if the marriage was to become an albatross that would’ve sunk both of us and shipwrecked our kids? The image of two old people bickering and belittling each other is repugnant to me. What if that is where we were headed? Sometimes, as Kenny Rogers sings “you’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em …” Maybe her ending the marriage is exactly what needed to happen for both of us to be fulfilled and our children to mature properly? I honestly don’t know the answer but I know God is and will Romans 8:28 it.
I’m not trying to justify divorce, nor am I just trying to see the silver lining in a monsoon but why must we lament the end of every chapter or book? The parting of Paul and Barnabas (i.e. two of the early church fathers parted company over a disagreement) happens even to the best Christians. Instead of conducting some morbid after-action report ascribing blame … what if we gave God some credit for making something great out of our brokenness? (i.e. that is what the gospel “Good News” is all about) There is none righteous. Having gone through my own dark night of the soul I, unironically, have a lot more grace and am much SLOOOWEERR to judge others.
Finally the rebuilding. I saw recently the argument that divorce isn’t adultery. It’s the person that remarries first – they are the adulterer. The thought I had was simple: “I refuse to play that game of Christian chicken.” Paul went on with his ministry as did Barnabas. Neither was disqualified or kicked to the curb by Jesus. If it helps I’ll be glad to remarry first (just have to find someone crazy enough AND that wants to walk life with me – but with God nothing is impossible, so there is a chance!). Aside: the best dating advice I’ve been given is be yourself (everyone else is taken). That being said be yourself, but be the best version of yourself – there are plenty of fish in the sea but good luck being bitter, out of shape and without prospects bait.
Again the need to be “not as bad as the other person” creeps its hideous head. Sadly our need to judge others and why they failed is a nasty boomerang to throw. I won’t tell you how I know … we never discussed other people’s marriages and who would divorce first. 🙂 Okay … yeh, nasty boomerang.
I had no intention of writing such a missive. I thought this would be a brief FB post. I do wonder how much more like Christ we could be if we could focus more on the good that came out of ministries, marriages and people before entropy kicked in. The law focuses on catastrophe, grace focuses on eucatastrophe (God at work through the catastrophe).
I am thankful for my ex-wife Tamara. She is an awesome mother, friend, nurse, and was a great wife. While the first three are still in play, I’m praying God brings a wonderful man along and that they can be a blessing to each other, all the kids involved and the world.
As for me I intend to be one of those old people so much in love that it makes all the young whimper snappers (grandkids, great-grandkids) uncomfortable.
“God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8. I’m so glad God didn’t wait until we were perfect before He loved us but accepts us as we are. Seems like a good example to follow.