An Ode to Parting (a hidden blessing)

by Philip Pfanstiel

Tomorrow my ex-wife is going to remarry.

I hadn’t really considered writing my thoughts on this until this afternoon (when I was at the park where I proposed 25 years ago). And in truth, this is the only day I could write this article. Otherwise, I would have had to change the first word. 🙂

Years ago I shared my thoughts on divorce and the little tea (drama) that I felt appropriate to share (I sent my ex a link to the article at the time to get her feedback and make sure it was as fair as possible).

Suffice it to say I won’t be sharing anything dramatic today. Aside from close friends and family (we all need a small support network – making it too large is just plain gossip) I have seen no reason to share any details of the divorce (other than what I shared previously about us going in different directions).

The question I want to explore today is more general: how can two people of God separate?

It seems to me that our modern world always wants a hero/heroine and a villain/villainess. Someone is good, the other evil. One right, the other wrong. Us vs. them. There is an interesting story hidden in the New Testament that turns this narrative upside down.

Paul and Barnabas separated, and it wasn’t pretty.

The basic story that has been pieced together by verses in Acts and Paul’s writings, as well as early church history, is this…

Paul and Barnabas were both men of God. They were called to evangelize the Gentiles and commissioned as Apostles by the church in Antioch. In fact, Barnabas is the one who sought Paul out and gave him credibility (Acts 11:25).

They went on their first journey together (Acts 11-14) but before their 2nd journey, they had a falling out (Acts 15:36-41). John Mark, a younger disciple, had started the 1st journey with them but had left somewhere in the middle.

Paul did not like this and refused to take John Mark on the next journey (understandable). Barnabas wanted to give John Mark grace and a 2nd chance (also understandable). They ended up parting ways because of this. Paul would connect with Silas, Luke, and others on his 2nd and 3rd journeys.

If this is all we knew we could say Paul was right, Barnabas was wrong, and have our narrative boxes checked. We knew who to root for, who to unfriend, and who to write out of the New Testament narrative.

But… God sees things differently because while He was with Paul, He was also with Barnabas and John Mark. In fact on the journey with Barnabas, John Mark reconnected with Peter and would eventually pen the gospel of Mark (which was written by John Mark based on Peter’s recollections). The Gospel of Mark was used by both Matthew and Luke in writing their gospels (collectively these three are called the synoptic gospels).

To review: two apostles and men of God had a falling out, but God remained with each of them, blessed their work and their division ended with a multiplication (Paul’s epistles and the synoptic gospels).

Brief tea: I didn’t want the divorce. I still don’t think it was the right move, but I’m at peace with the separation and divorce and pray for blessings over tomorrow’s marriage. I want only the best for my ex-wife and her new husband. My hope is that our division would end in multiplication.

Don’t get me wrong, I routinely encourage people NOT to divorce. And reconciliation is something that we are called to by God (II Corinthians 5:18) but when partings happen (and they happened even to the early Apostles, much less the rest of us) we don’t need to pick sides. But if we have to, let’s choose God’s side who will work all things for the good (Romans 8:28), and pray for blessings (which is a no-brainer since we reap what we sow and I no like cursings).

In reviewing Paul and Barnabas you can see how they were both right (and were BOTH proven correct) in how they viewed John Mark.

Reminds me of the time God had me give a word of correction to a whole church (BTW I did NOT want to do it, but it had to be said – Hebrews 12:6-7) and encouraged them to not give up but to stay faithful and see God move (they had decided to close the church). I used the illustration of what would have happened if the Apostles in the upper room had quit on day 9 (the 10th day is when the Holy Spirit fell – Acts 2). The person speaking after me had a word of grace and blessing.

Who was right? I believe we both were and while I had to give the word of correction (because God loved everyone there), the word of grace was also true in that God would be with each person there despite the parting.

Looking at the docks on the pond where I proposed I have no regrets for proposing. In fact, people had warned us to wait (and were proven prophetic) but we didn’t and God gave us grace and blessed our journey anyway.

I’m glad I proposed. Married. Spent 3 years dating in college, 17 years married. Had six children (4 of which are in this picture). The relationship saw many great experiences, learning opportunities (i.e. bad experiences), ideas exchanged (sometimes heatedly :), and people impacted for good. The truth is every relationship will end on this side of heaven. But that doesn’t mean it’s a failure or that God can’t or didn’t use it.

I was not at the park alone. I was there with my youngest daughter and though the path with my 1st wife (her mother) had parted I suspect that neither Paul nor Barnabas regretted the years together and the people they had touched. Neither do I.