Month: February 2017

By Philip Pfanstiel

There are a lot of experiences in life that we don’t see coming, we soldier and suffer through and then something strange happens when we come out the other side… we are thankful for the experience (and yet never want to go through it again).

A year ago today (Feb 2) Tamara filed for divorce.  The past year is something that I never saw coming. 

In many ways this past year has been a slow motion disaster.  And yet in others it’s been the most miraculous and meaningful year of my life.  A strange dichotomy to be sure.

I knew that no matter what the obstacle we could overcome it and prayed and believed until the end for restoration / resurrection.  And yet having fleece after fleece returned the exact opposite of what one prayed is very confusing.  I never rejected, but I have accepted the rejection… if that makes sense.  I’m at peace with it, and will do everything in my power to minimize the bad and maximize the good that is found in any paradigm shift.

The point of this article is not to dissect the divorce.  I honestly don’t like airing my dirty laundry and my hope is still that God would use this for the good of all involved.  So I don’t intend to ever dissect the divorce publicly.  If blame must be ascribed, then I’ll take it (and deservedly so).

The point is more about the “phil”osophy or approach to life.  I read a great line from Matthew McConaughey who quoted a wise old man he met, “I’ve had thousands of crises in my life, and most of them never happened.”

I thought this was so profound.  I see myself as a pretty positive person.  I see things as improving, getting better, and I dream really crazy dreams – and put action into seeing them fulfilled.  But there was a pessimistic, passive aggressive, grumpy side lurking below the surface.  One of the great things about this year is how exposed I’ve been (not by my choice) and how this exposure has forced me to deal with things.  Again, not something I want to ever go through again which is why I’m so intent on dealing with my crap and laying the new foundation properly.

Disaster or Miracle.  Which one do we expect to happen?  The truth is that in life both will come and more than a few times.  The difference is that life is lived in the space between.  Those expecting miracles will still have their disasters.  And those expecting disasters will still have their miracles.  The key is found in what John Lennon said, “life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.”

For me my new MO (I’m expecting it to stick) is to expect good things.  Expect people to accept me.  Expect my plans to succeed.  Expect my prayers to be answered.  Expect a miracle.  In the Tulsa area they will say “keep your expecter up.”  We have lots of Christian / Faith clichés that seem silly but contain some pretty powerful truths – if one can get past the initial lingo shock.

I’ve had opportunity this year to believe the best about people and believe the worst about people.  When you believe the worst about people you can sabotage and undermine the very relationships you desperately need.  A self-fulfilling prophecy a Goth would nihilistically accept with sardonic joy.

Don’t ask me how I know.  Dirty laundry is staying wherever my dog Ash took it.

Conversely if you (me, we, one – pick your pronoun) believe the best about people you will occasionally be betrayed / stabbed in the back.  And it will hurt.  Hurt like nothing you’ve ever felt before.

But … believe anyway.  Because most of the time people will rise to your level of trust, belief, faith in them.  I don’t know what the ratio will be, but Jesus had 12 disciples and one betrayed him and the rest abandoned him.  And yet He still believed in them and on the cross restored John and after His resurrection He restored the other 10.  And the amazing thing about those disciples (minus Judas Iscariot who never repented) is that every single one of them rose to the level of faith that Jesus had in them.  They all (except John) died a martyr’s death instead of abandoning Jesus a 2^nd time.

I will say this about the divorce.  I felt betrayed, but I know Tamara and I don’t think that was her intention.  I think we all do the best we are able with the filters and perspectives that we have.  I’ve been imbibing a series called “Mercy over Judgment” by Keith Moore and it is so powerful.  There are many reasons we are not to judge but the one pertinent to this article is because we don’t know the other person’s heart.  I have hurt Tamara and many others that I love deeply this year – and yet that has never been my motive or intention.  It is (going forward) my opinion and my approach to ascribe to others the best possible motives.

I’ll end it with a story I’ve never written before (and you’ll see why).  My family moved to Tulsa in 1980 and they had me repeat Kindergarten because of speech and developmental delays.  In 1^st grade we moved to a house and quickly made friends with the two girls next door.  We had a pool in the backyard and had the two girls (Erin and Carrie – not their real names) over to swim a lot.  One day after swimming Erin, Sam (my younger brother) and I went into the house and changed in the same room.  Nothing happened, but something was mentioned as we quickly changed.  I didn’t think anything of it.

The next year I moved schools and ended up in the same class as Erin.  I was so excited to be in the same class as my friend.  I was always the quarky kid so friendships were much harder for me than for my brother (who everyone likes immediately).  Then at some point that Fall Erin told all the kids about that day we changed in the same room.  I’m not sure exactly how she conveyed the story but it morphed into something very sinister, creepy and perverted.  When the other 2^nd graders confronted me they called me a pervert and other bad names.  It still hurts, and while my life has in many ways been an open book – this is a chapter I don’t often visit.   I’d rather burn and bury all copies of it.

That label … that rejection … that feeling of being worthless … these things are hard to break, despite how twisted and untrue they are.  Making friends was even harder for me after this … not really a surprise.  I’m sure the kids never thought another moment about that story … but it followed me. 

In the future I may pen a blog on how to reject, not accept, the spirit of rejection.  But I accepted it and it handicapped me for decades.  Some good things came out of it.  I was always the first to befriend the outcasts … we were kin.  My quarky sense of humor developed out of a desire to be accepted and I figured if I made fun of myself … then maybe others wouldn’t.  I knew which pawns I could sacrifice and which pieces of me to guard with my life.

Looking back though I have no animosity toward Erin.  Even then I didn’t because I knew the rest of the story.  The summer between our 1^st and 2^nd grade years Carrie (Erin’s sister in 3^rd grade) was hit by a car and killed while crossing 81^st street to go to the store.

Hurt people hurt people.  Erin hurt me because she was hurting and had no idea how it would affect me – she was not a mean person.  I pray for Erin and I hope and pray that her life is blessed and that she is healthy, successful and happy. Most of all my desire is that she knows and is walking with Jesus.

When we’d swim together we’d talk about God.  My brother and I even prayed with Erin and Carrie once.  They came from a Unitarian family and were French Atheists (as they described it – although it took me years to find out what that meant).  My mom told me, around the funeral, that the year before we had moved in some Bible students had lived in the house and had led Carrie in the sinner’s prayer.

The reason I share this is because 1. I love tangents.  They’re organic and like lightning (they are powerful and hard to aim).  2. We don’t know the hurts, pain, and confusion that cloud the thinking and how it affects the people that betray us.  In their mind they probably aren’t even seeing what they do as a betrayal – they may even see it as a good thing or a kindness.  And to be honest our own hurts, pain and confusion can cause us to feel betrayed when we weren’t.

While that wound really hurt me, it didn’t sink me.  In fact it developed some of the traits in me that I’m most proud of (sensitivity and humor).  And this past year… well, God gets to write the last chapter and His redemption stories (aka Joseph, Jesus, Paul, etc…) are some of the best in HisStory.

To try to tie back to the original thought (I read somewhere that good authors do this so I thought I could pretend); we can believe for miracles or disasters.  Time will present ample opportunities for both, but the caliber / base of our life will be defined by our thoughts and expectations in the in-between times.  As for me and my house, we will expect disasters … I mean miracles.  Sorry my mind was day-dreaming and I forgot what the point of the blog was for a second.  Oops.  My bad.

By Philip Pfanstiel

I’m going to tell you something but only if you promise to judge me.  That’s right I’m writing this and I say tell.  It’s like I don’t even know Chinese.

Today I took a dip in my pool.  In case you think I was trying to be like Peter then you may be as crazy as me.

I walk around my pool a lot and pray.  It’s a very peaceful spot.  I love looking at the water, the huge tree that overhangs it and keeping Ash (my Australian Shepherd puppy) from tripping me as I walk (he loves walking right by my feet).  Good times.

Tonight was a very momentous night.  God’s been showing and giving me puzzle pieces for years and especially the last year.  Tonight a whole bunch of puzzle pieces came together in a profound and powerful way.  It was a cool thing.  I’m glad you weren’t there because you would have made fun of me for crying.  I’m just glad no one found out that I sat in my car and cried for 20 minutes.  That would be embarrassing.

On the way home I asked God for a creative way to start and organize my new book.  I’ll come back to this.

When I get home I take Ash and start walking around my pool, praying, praising and prattering to God.  My favorite part is the prattering.  I don’t think it’s a word but it completes the alliteration – apparently spell check says the word is prattling.  I like prattering.  Anyway, so I’m walking around my pool and it looks so peaceful.

And then the thought comes to me, “what if you walked on water across your pool.”  I quickly dismiss it as crazy.  But the thought doesn’t go away.  Maybe I’ve completely lost what few marbles I have so please judge what I’m about to say.

So I entertain the thought.  I know that I’ll most likely sink straight to the bottom in the barely above freezing water and will have to strip to my skivvies, run upstairs and take a hot bath or shower.

“So?”  Came the response in my head.  I’m not blaming God for this, but it could have been Him.  He has a sense of humor I’ve found that is often times more devious (compared to our way of doing things) than mine.

“So?” was hard to argue with.  Let’s say I tried to walk across the pool and immediately sank.  So?  It’d wake me up for sure.  I’d be fine.  Ash would think I was crazy (though I’m his standard of comparison so to him everyone else is crazy).

On the other hand, what if it was God I was hearing and I would end up walking across the water (a possibility that was very slight at best)?

But if I didn’t try … then what would happen?  I’d live forever (or at least for days) wondering what might have happened.  Drawing back.  Holding caution.  Resisting the wind. 

The water was cold.   Colder than I thought.  But it was so much fun.  As I stripped to my skivvies and hurried upstairs with Ash watching me in befuddlement I was so glad I did it.  I didn’t walk on water.  But I took a risk.  A silly risk I know.  I pretty much knew exactly what was going to happen (and I was right), but I’d do it again.  Not tonight (did I tell you the water was cold?).  I was good with both possibilities.  One a miracle that would change my life and the other the punch line to a self-deprecating anecdote (where no commandments are broken, no one is hurt, no sin is committed).  What I’m not okay with is the third possibility – always asking “what if?”

A few months ago (seems like years) I came up with what I thought was a profound manifesto for my life.  I shared it with some friends and for months rued the whole thing (though I’ve come back to embracing it).  So please judge this and tell me where I’m off kilter.

“I’d rather be wrong doing it God’s way, then be right doing it the world’s way.”

After doing a number of things this past year (where a dip in freezing water would have been a welcome alternative) I can honestly say I’ve been wrong.  I tried (and still am trying) to do things God’s way but from the shape of things it appears I was wrong on many counts.  I had this epiphany when making a recent YouTube video (maybe I’ll put a link here if I remember to) that I’d much rather be “right doing it God’s way, then to be wrong doing it the world’s way.”

But that’s not the bargain.  Doing it God’s way will appear to be wrong, wrong, wrong.  And doing things the world’s way will appear to be right, right, right.  That is, until it flips.  Waiting for that flip takes a lot of faith.  Hope.  And a belief that God loves you enough not to let you sink too far until He pulls you up from the drink.

Which brings me to something God told me (again please judge me) this past March.  He told me that either I can defend myself of let Him defend me.  My initial reaction was, “of course God, I want you to defend me.  So I’ll stop defending myself.”  The problem is, as we can all attest, God’s timing is not our timing.  I don’t think He’s being cruel, but He does seem to let us sink up to our nose, or wait until 11:59 (plus a few more hours – since He’s in a different time zone).

One of my favorite quotes is “God’s will is what our will would be if we had all the facts.”  Suffice it to say we don’t have all the facts.  And when it comes to the right time I’ve never had all the facts.  That’s where I’m learning to trust Him and release any expectation when it comes to timing.  The irony is that so often when I finally release the expectation or desperation the situation resolves rather quickly.  Again God’s devious sense of humor (like lightning, God goes straight – until He doesn’t).

For years I’ve contemplated the fact that God doesn’t defend Himself.  Think about it.  We blame God for a great many things that He didn’t do.  In the Bible God is credited with things that He didn’t do, nevertheless He’d take credit for it since He could have stopped it and didn’t.  He never passes the buck, blames others or defends Himself.  He does offer to defend us though.  The only catch is we can’t defend ourselves.  Another one of those paradoxes; we can’t defend ourselves (if we’re following Christ’ example) but we are privileged to have the opportunity to defend God.  He won’t defend Himself, but He wants to defend us.

I may develop that more in the future but for this article that will suffice.

The last thought and my feeble attempt to defend God is the idea of Glory.  There is this verse (Isaiah 42:8) that says “God will share his glory with no one.”  I’ve had the impression (wrongly I believe) that God is protective of His glory because of His pride.  “It’s my glory, you can’t have it!”

I don’t think that’s it at all.  Glory in Hebrew is “kabad” and one definition of it is “weight / heavy / mass.”  I’ve postulated elsewhere that I think God’s glory is when his weight/ presence/ mass moves into our space-time existence from higher dimensions / heaven.  When God heals His glory is revealed.  What’s revealed?  The movement of power/ mass (same thing – just ask Einstein) into our world heals, delivers, restores and breaks the chains of bondage. 

So when it says He won’t share it, what I see this as saying is He is protecting it.  Which makes sense when you put that verse (Isaiah 42:8) in context.  The passage talks about idols / fallen angels / false gods.  Basically, if I’m reading it correctly, God is saying “I will not let fallen angels pervert / twist and abuse my weight / presence / power.”  It was never about God’s pride or protecting something for His sake.  He’s protecting it for our sake.

Throughout world history the empires with the most power / energy dominate and win.  Most wars have been fought over resources, be it food, people, or fuel.  And the kingdom that can amass and utilize the most resources correctly wins.

Iniquity (according to Dr. Michael Lake in his new book “The Sheeriyth Imperative”) is the power / force that drives the Kingdom of Darkness.  Righteousness / glory is the power behind God’s Kingdom and of course the strongest manifestation of glory and righteousness is when Jesus shed His blood and gave His life for us on the cross.

So these are some things I’ve been contemplating recently.  Still a lot more to develop on it, but I find it fascinating and eye opening.

Now going back to an interesting way to start my new book, well I haven’t thought of it yet (I may have dropped it when I sank into the pool).  But by my taking a chance tonight I have a fun memory and, I feel, an interesting way to start this article at least.

When all is said and done, no one remembers the conventional.  Normal things are safe but they are in the end forgettable.  I’ve said this a few times about this past year – it is definitely a year I’ll remember.  It’s been the hardest of my life, but also one of the most profound, powerful and meaningful.  Sometimes you have to step out and sink in order to eventually rise above it.  Just make sure the hot water is working and that you’ve thought through the worse that can happen (and are good with it) then take a leap … or plunge – either way it will be an experience that you’ll remember.

* * *

So now its your turn.  Let me know where my logic failed.  Judge what I’ve written.  I’ve had so many people call me crazy throughout my life but very few will take the time to rebut, refute or even contend with my arguments.  Maybe they just don’t care enough to engage.  So please care, call me crazy and tell me where I got off track.  e-mail is: philip@pfanstiel.com